As a teacher and administrator for over 30 years, I have seen the awful influence of bullying in school.

In my role as a teacher, I would speak harshly to students those who tried any form of intimidation. in my classroom,

However, like many of my teaching colleagues who also acted so, we knew at best we could only provide the momentary safe haven of our class period for those being victimized.

When I was functioning as an administrator I would deal as firmly as I was allowed with those who engaged in any form of bullying, yet sometimes I knew it was too little and too late to prevent the victims from suffering torment.

Sticks and Stones….

We all know how this phrase ends… “But words will never hurt me.” However, this is just utterly wrong!

Name calling in person or by text messages (cyber bullying) can have a devastating effect on a child leading to such feelings of worthlessness that they either contemplate hurting themselves or resort to planning to ‘get even’ on their tormentors and we read of the tragedy of school shootings!

Wherever you go …. there you are!

Although there are so many parents and teachers who desperately want to help those who are bullied the real solution is I believe … is through the empowerment of the victim.

How to win the internal battle against fear

So, what IS the best way to ‘bully proof’ your child? I believe it is first to ‘see their world through their eyes‘ and that – of course – is all about clear communication and spending time listening to your child’s perception of their circumstances.

Remember: The inherent threat of bullies is to impose the fear of physical harm and humiliation, the precursor to which is so often a verbal assault.

Therefore, I come back to the word ’empowerment’ and giving your child the personal knowledge that ‘they can – physically – take care of themselves.’

No matter what is said to a child about how to respond to bullying… they just have to develop, for themselves, a reals sense of ‘inner confidence’!!

So, what does work for victims…?

So many times, I have heard parents say to their child “Stand up to a bully!” and “All bullies are cowards inside.” Alternatively, a parent will state, “I will come to the school and stop this [bullying] going on!”

While this is understandable and even commendable the actual reality is that the bullying doesn’t stop but simply moves to a different location…. such as outside the school. So while these are nice sentiments and sincerely meant they are often – ineffectual!

If you look like a victim, you will become one!!

Here’s a truth that parents need to really grasp hold of. The self-confidence in your child or its lack, will be clear for all to see! Bullying tends to occur opportunistically to a child who continually displays any form of social anxiety or uncertainty.

Why are there bullies?

A sad truth about those who bully is this: “Hurt people…hurt people” and no amount of counseling can change that mentality within them until that root issue has been dealt with.

By the infliction of some act of dominance a bully’s own sense of inadequacy is temporarily satiated and that is why they will – invariably – pick on someone they perceive is ‘weaker’ and why bullying usually occurs from a group of like-minded individuals.

Of course, I commend parents & grandparents to take issues with schools where their child or grandchild is being subjected to any form of harassment. Parental involvement with the schools is always beneficial and any principal will always heed a parental complaint!

For the victim it reinforces their feelings of simply being ‘inadequate.’

For me, however, I have found that training in martial arts which has been the most effective in instilling that inner aura of self-confidence that deters the opportunistic bully. Just a child knowing how to protect themselves by taking self-defense classes will have a profound effect on their demeanor.

SELF DEFENSE IS NOT FIGHTING!

I personally hold a black belt in a very ‘street wise’ martial art called Kajukenbo and therefore I DO understand that there is a significant difference between fighting and self-defense.

One of the best martial artists I know, Kevin O’Hagan who has been teaching classes in Combat Jujitsu in the UK (Combat Jujutsu – Combat Jujutsu) for several decades and is ranked highly in this field makes this vital distinction between sports martial arts and self defense training:

On the streets there are NO rules!

So this means that every opportunity to avoid physical conflict has to be taken!

On a recent post on Facebook, Sensei O’Hagan made it very clear that ‘self-defense is 95% awareness and only 5% physical action’ so that means avoiding situations by increasing personal awareness will almost guarantee personal safety!

What self-defense training does is to provide that (oh so very essential!!) imperceptible aura of ‘Inner Confidence‘ by the knowledge that should any ‘bullying’ devolve into the 5% of a physical event, the aggressor will be really sorry to have provoked it!

(Should you be interested in learning more about ‘self-defense’ (as opposed to a ‘sports martial art’) I strongly suggest you look for where ‘jujitsu’ is what is primarily being taught and consider the information as in books on the subject (such as : https://amzn.to/3OXHjMI ). Schools that teach martial arts (such as Tae Kwando, Judo etc. and are sports have a tendency to be limited in their ‘streetwise’ application until you have reached the higher grade levels in their sport!)

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